Life in the last three months...

I stopped writing on this blog at about the same time I was due to start my first IVF cycle. Not because I didn't like the space that I had created but because constantly writing about my sadness, hopelessness and the hurt that I was going trough at that time was too much. Being in constant awareness of my situation was painful, so I closed the blog. I still read infertility blogs everyday, nodding my head in agreement, letting tears fall down and smiling when I saw a new success story.

Grasping at our last hopes we embarked on our firts IVF cycle in June. It was intense, it was emotional and nerve racking all at the same time. To our surprise they ended up retrieving 14 eggs of which 11 fertilized. It was more that we could have hoped for. They put back two 5 day blasts and then we were to wait two weeks. The hard stuff was out off the way... or so we thought. The next month was nothing but easy. I ended up having a severe case of OHSS that landed me on the ICU for almost two weeks. I was unaware of the symptoms so I chalked it up to the flu or some other stomach bug. After two days of constantly trowing up and not being able to breathe very well I was on my way to the hospital. I gained almost 30 pounds in a matter of days, my lungs and abdomen filled with liquid that had to be drained so I could breathe or eat. I could barely speak or move. It was so scary! Since I live almost three hours from my RE the local doctors dealt with my situation the best they could, which made me even more nervous. I was afraid for my life. The quest of growing our family had thrown us into the unimaginable. That's when I really saw and felt just how far we were willing to go to be able to achieve a dream that for so many comes so easily.

About a week of being in the hospital I received the best news ever. My beta was positive, so that's why my OHSS was so severe. In the middle of all that craziness I had a glimmer of hope. I slowly got better and was released after 12 days in the hospital. And our journey was just beginning. I was so swollen from the liquid I could barely walk but I made it to my RE's office were they did an ultrasound that revealed that SURPRISE! we were having twins. I was shocked, elated, shocked some more, happy and scared. I knew that twins were a strong possibility but it happening to us was so far away from our minds that I was speechless.

The next weeks were a mix of happiness and anxiety. After all we had gone trough, could this be real? Was this it? What we were waiting so desperately for? It all indicated that yes, this was the real thing. The babies continued to grow healthy and strong and we couldn't be happier. I am 13 weeks and 4 days today. I know we have a long way to go, but everyday with this life inside me is a miracle and a blessing that I will never take for granted.

So here we are, gearing for an exciting year, still walking the walk cautiously optimistic that everything will be alright.

Surrender

When I used to think about the word surrender I always associated it with defeat. After all, most people will say that when you surrender you are giving up, you aren't fighting anymore.

I disagree. Surrender for me has meant accepting... letting go, not holding onto false expectations. When I started this journey every step was full of exciting unknowns. Every trip to the doctor was an adventure, a baby making adventure. After all, I thought to myself, my problems weren't too bad... it was going to be a walk in the park. The novelty of the treatments quickly went away. That excitement had turned into crippling fear and depression. Then I started questioning myself, I questioned my ability to become pregnant and carry a baby to term. It seemed almost impossible.  I faced my reality... I was indeed infertile. At first I saw myself as a passerby trough the world of infertility. I had told myself on countless occasions that what we were going trough  was just a rough patch... that I just had some trouble getting pregnant, that's all. I was afraid of facing my infertility head on. I was in denial and as a result there was only pain and disappointment.

Every month that passed by was another month of defeat. I developed severe anxiety in the middle of my IUI cycles. I kept spiraling down... lower and lower. But I just kept pushing myself month after month. Against my own better judgement, I went ahead. I kept pushing myself even when my heart wasn't truly in it. Specially after my first miscarriage, all I wanted to do was stop for a while. But how could I?... I had to keep going. I just wanted it to be over, get pregnant and leave all of this behind. Even though emotionally I felt I couldn't face another cycle, I did it anyway. I ended up being a shadow of what I once was. My body became exhausted, my mind was floating away in a daze.What I had failed to learn was that you just can't push or rush things.  Life doesn't work that way, specially infertility.

I pitied myself and our situation. I was embarrassed of the fact that it was my body that kept failing... my body was the one keeping us from having a baby. My internal turmoil was on it's peak. Something had to give. I couldn't keep doing this to myself... to us. So A and I sat down and had a heart to heart. There was little doubt that the best option for us at this point was IVF. I have to say, IVF terrified me. I swore myself that we wouldn't get to this point. That's why I pushed myself so hard in the IUI cycles. I wanted to prevent IVF at all costs, as if such things could be controlled. So there we were. And it's at that moment that everything fell into place. I realized that yes, this is me... this is my life and these are the cards we were dealt with. There was no point in fighting this anymore. I surrendered. I surrendered to my circumstances and strangely enough I had never felt more at peace during this journey. Everything made sense. This is were we are supposed to be. This is what we are meant to be doing. Even if it doesn't work, which we know it's a possibility, we are following our hearts.

Having said that, it doesn't mean that my fears and anxieties are gone. I think that's almost impossible. I still have doubts. Our journey is still full of unknowns. I still break down from time to time. Just yesterday I had a big meltdown about some blood tests that came up on the high end, which means that I probably have lupus antibodies. I kept saying to myself  "not again" "there can't be anything else wrong with my body". My heart ached for a while. But if that is the case, if more tests keep coming up positive, then I am grateful that they have caught it at this point and are able to give me the adequate treatment for it.

This morning I woke up and looked myself in the mirror and was able to smile, so that was a good thing. In the middle of this madness, I have the ability to feel hope again. Something that I had lost a while ago.

 I am no longer fighting against the tide. I am swimming in it.

From the outside

How many times have I felt like an outsider? It's a feeling I can't help, really. It comes unannounced at the most unexpected moments. Walking trough the aisles of a store... going to the post office... driving down the street. These are the kind of moments that leave you breathless and not in a good way. Seeing a mother snuggling their brand new baby... seeing families playing at the park... seeing my mother in law talking so lovingly about her grandchildren... sometimes it is enough to break my heart a little (OK, a lot).

You may think you are prepared to face those moments as an infertile. After all, we are a pretty tough bunch. But no matter how strong you may think you are, it's undeniable- those moments are a bitch. They make you feel like you don't fit in. Like you don't belong with the rest of the world. It makes it hard to relate to the "normalcy" of other peoples lives... to the effortlessness... the easiness.  After all, you've been so used to the endless fighting... the constant battling... the uncertainty of it all.

Looking in, it may feel so very strange what you see. It may look so unattainable.

Lately I've been feeling like I have been fighting for so long... I feel tired. I often look at the road ahead and shudder. Because I know that this journey it's not over.

I desperately want to be the one inside looking out. I want to leave all of this behind. Wouldn't it be so wonderful- to stop worrying and wondering? To stop imagining how it would look like and actually start living it?

There have been so many times were I wished I was the norm, I wished there wasn't something "special" about me. Fuck special and fuck being a statistic (I've never liked numbers anyway). I want to be sitting comfortably... inside. Please... pretty please! 

Universe take note!

The pursuit of happiness

What is happiness?

It's so relative right? There isn't a "one fits all approach" to being happy. That's the beauty of it. Happiness can be as simple as enjoying a rich cup of coffee in the morning... or like watching the bright orange sunset. Other times, happiness may be a little bit more complicated than that. Achieving happiness may require strength.... it may require going trough countless struggles... it may even require for you to be fearless.

Why is sometimes so difficult for us to choose the path to find our own happiness?  Don't we all deserve that? Of course. But not everyone is prepared to recognize the need to search for that path. It may be because of social pressures or because we've been stuck for so long inside a specific mold, that breaking away from it causes us doubt.

Life is way too short for doubts. If we were to live our lives just to please others, it would really be pointless. We are only in this physical world for a finite amount of time, so it's only fair to fight for what truly makes us happy. For some people it may be money or material things. I don't gravitate so much towards that end. Yes, money is important... but what about the intangible side of things? That happiness that no amount of money could buy. A happiness that comes truly and only from within. One that is not placed on material objects but on experiences.... a happiness so pure that it can't be taken away from you... a happiness so deep you can express without hesitation. A happiness so true to yourself, that you have no doubt in chasing after...

That's the happiness I strive for and hope to achieve one day... one day...

What dream$ are made of...

If you have undergone any kind of fertility treatments you should know by now the financial aspect that comes with it. The truth is that unfortunately most insurance companies don't cover these procedures, so people who are battling infertility are left paying out of pocket for almost everything.

When we first started treatments, our doctor wanted to see how I responded to the least invasive procedures first. Least invasive meant cheaper, so we were fine with that. These "least invasive" treatments didn't yield the expected results, so we moved on to injectables and IUI's. The prices rapidly started going up.

It's odd when you start this roller coaster. It's like you can't stop. Once you are in it, you are in for good. You keep telling yourself  "one more time", with the hopes of it working out, while your bank account and patience deflates.

Last year we spent close to $10,000 in medical procedures, pills, shots, sonograms, tests.... you name it. To us this was a lot financially speaking. We had the support of our family, but it was still hard. Some lovely nurse helped too, donating left over medicine from other patients. But seeing all that money disappearing so fast, often left me out of breath. It's in those moments when you realize how much you really want to be a parent... how much this means to you and how far you are willing to go. 

In our fertility clinic, the area where you pay is flanked by countless baby pictures, smiling couples holding their bundles of joy and letters of gratitude from the happy parents. So, while you are swiping your card, a cute little baby photo is staring directly at you, as if giving you one last hope. It cheers you on. "Your baby's photo can be in here too" it says, so you do it, without hesitation, hoping to be adding your obnoxiously smiling photo to the list. It’s all about "the dream", right?

Right now we are on a break, mostly because of financial reasons. And that drives me mad. If I had the money you bet I would be cycling yesterday. But we are faced with more tests and more procedures, just to find out if I have something else going on. The doctors highly suspect I have endometriosis, but the diagnosis can only be made trough hystero laparoscopy, which costs close to $4,000. There's also a long list of blood tests which are pretty pricey. I can't go through another IUI or IVF (which at this point is what we are leaning towards) until I have these tests performed. So more waiting and more saving for us.

 

When you stare at the facts, it's all about money. Your dreams of becoming a parent, dangle by the thread of cold hard cash. 

Is it fair? no. I believe that fertility procedures should be covered by insurance companies. As simple as that. I know that our health system is pretty fucked up. It's not at all about the health and happiness of the people but about greed and money. It's simply a business and we get caught in the middle. We are way behind... way behind.

In theory, healthy people make happy people, and happy people make a healthy and productive society. But when said people are going into debt, just to cover medical expenses, it's utterly ridiculous.

In terms of fertility treatments, some believe that if you can't afford to pay for the procedures, then you simply shouldn't have a baby. Or that fertility problems are not medical problems, therefore no insurance coverage for you. Oh, really? How considerate of you fertile asshole, thanks! You see, most fertility problems are caused by underlying medical conditions or disorders. So, how can you tell me it is not related? How can you separate two things that are so intricately connected?

I bet that most of those who've had kids without fertility treatments, would be shocked if someone said to them that in order to keep their child they should come up with $10,000 on the spot. Most wouldn't have that kind of money tucked away to spend on a seconds notice. And that it's not a reflection on their right to be parents.

It's not as simple as being able to be financially responsible for a baby. It's about the kind of money you have to spend just to be able to play the game. If we were to conceive naturally right now (yeah right!) we wouldn't have much problem taking care of the baby, because it's a gradual thing. We would be able to adjust and save. Sigh! 

The truth is we don't care, though. That's why we started this in the first place, right? If it's gives us the opportunity of having a baby, all will be put aside. I believe most people facing this journey feel the same. We would still spend all the money they tell us too, we would go into debt, apply for loans, whatever it took, because it is our dream. We won't give up.

Some dreams have a price tag, but for us achieving this dream is priceless. I may bitch and rant about it, but when the moment of truth comes again, you bet I will be there swiping that card like there's no tomorrow. I will swipe that card until it's on fire. I will stare at that wall full of smiley pictures and show them how it's done. Our picture will be up there damn it.