Sunny Sundays

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Wishing everyone an amazing week!

Happy Hump Day

Because sometimes a smile is all you need to feel better. Or maybe punching someone in their face, just saying... 

On

It's been since September of last year, when we last set foot on our RE's office. It was a bittersweet visit because we knew we weren't going back anytime soon. As I said goodbye to the receptionist, tears welled up in my eyes, but they couldn't come out. I didn't let them. Enough tears had been shed in that place. We knew we needed a break, a time away from all the madness. But a part of me didn't want to let go. I knew that there was a slim to non existent chance of me becoming pregnant the "natural way". Stepping away from treatments meant a very strong chance of no pregnancy. Of course, there are some people who believe in miracles. There's always that urban legend meant to give people like us hope, about the couple who stopped fertility treatments and suddenly conceived. I consider myself way to practical to fall into that. Cynicism would be a better word to describe it. I knew what our problems were and conceiving the "natural way" seemed like complete bullshit at this point. Urban legends my ass.

Anyway, we stepped away physically from the process. And when I say physically it's because emotionally it's all I could think of. I know that for A it was easier to take a break. I was the one left with the physical emptiness of the miscarriage. I wanted that void to be filled fast. But there are no easy ways out when dealing with all of this. There are no sure remedies to mend a heart that has been broken into so many pieces. Time seemed like the only good idea.

Unfortunately there was no fool proof method to reset my mind in order to accept that we were on a break. True, we kind of lost our souls in the midst of that last cycle, but I felt even more lost when we stopped the treatments. The treatments had become my life. Giving myself the shots were a daily ritual... testing on cheap pregnancy tests had become my own kind of drug. Stopping felt so sudden. So forceful. The money was scarce... our hopes were down- what else was left to do?

We knew that we deserved to try at least to enjoy the holidays without the worries that another month of treatments would surely bring. The holidays came and went and although being able to drink was a nice change of pace, one which I took full advantage of, it still felt like moving trough quick sand. The much talked about, miraculous conception didn't make it's appearance. The relief of the stress was only an illusion. The absence of pain was only fleeting.

Time passed and the need to try again was strong. I kept it a secret from A since I didn't want to spoil the peace he had apparently found. He wasn't completely oblivious... of course he knew, because every time we would pass a pregnant woman he gave me that look, which in turn broke my heart a little bit more. In the meantime I tucked away my mommy dreams and focused on other things instead. Nothing filled the void, though. Time passed ever so slowly... painfully slow... but it passed nonetheless.

And that brings us to this point. We are on the verge of starting it all over again and if I'm being truthful, it scares the shit out of me. It keeps me up at night. The anticipation... the doubts... the unknown. Even though the idea of making that phone call to the RE's office to set up a new appointment was in part responsible for keeping me sane and hopeful all of this time, it's intimidating.  Starting up again... beginning from scratch. The shots... the trips (since the office is almost three hours from our town)... the blood tests... the possible surgery, everything seems more daunting this time. Because there's no blissful ignorance like there was in the beginning. That stage is over. I'm going into this already jaded. Scarred. But there are no options. This is it. If we really want this (and we do!) there's no other way. Calls will be made, appointments will be set, procedures will be scheduled and there will be not a single space for doubt. 

So the time is approaching. The time to close our eyes, cross our fingers and jump in yet again... hopefully we will land on our feet this time.

Sunny Sundays

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Light

 

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Suddenly it dawned on me... the date struck like a lighting bolt. It jolted me straight up from where I sat. I have been blocking this moment... this memory. I knew it was there, I just didn't let myself bring it back. But some things are way too powerful... they are way too much connected to your whole being. 

I should have been holding you right now... but I am not. I should be kissing softly your forehead, singing you to sleep. But I am not. Nine months... nine months since you came tiptoeing into our lives. You showered us with a new hope- one that we wold have never imagined to be deserving of. It's been nine months since you left us, with a soft whisper that lingered in our hearts, assuring us that your brief stay was real. Reassuring us that you chose us. Your soul was once one with mine, as it shall ever be. Your light was once with us, and it shall ever burn bright. 

From the outside

How many times have I felt like an outsider? It's a feeling I can't help, really. It comes unannounced at the most unexpected moments. Walking trough the aisles of a store... going to the post office... driving down the street. These are the kind of moments that leave you breathless and not in a good way. Seeing a mother snuggling their brand new baby... seeing families playing at the park... seeing my mother in law talking so lovingly about her grandchildren... sometimes it is enough to break my heart a little (OK, a lot).

You may think you are prepared to face those moments as an infertile. After all, we are a pretty tough bunch. But no matter how strong you may think you are, it's undeniable- those moments are a bitch. They make you feel like you don't fit in. Like you don't belong with the rest of the world. It makes it hard to relate to the "normalcy" of other peoples lives... to the effortlessness... the easiness.  After all, you've been so used to the endless fighting... the constant battling... the uncertainty of it all.

Looking in, it may feel so very strange what you see. It may look so unattainable.

Lately I've been feeling like I have been fighting for so long... I feel tired. I often look at the road ahead and shudder. Because I know that this journey it's not over.

I desperately want to be the one inside looking out. I want to leave all of this behind. Wouldn't it be so wonderful- to stop worrying and wondering? To stop imagining how it would look like and actually start living it?

There have been so many times were I wished I was the norm, I wished there wasn't something "special" about me. Fuck special and fuck being a statistic (I've never liked numbers anyway). I want to be sitting comfortably... inside. Please... pretty please! 

Universe take note!

Sans Apologies

Many times I find myself doubting my responses to others when it comes to the direction my life has taken in these past few months. I've found myself over explaining my feelings or over simplifying my thoughts. Why? Just to make others feel comfortable?

Ever since my last miscarriage, I have felt as if I was smack dab in the middle of a crossfire. Dramatic, I know. But really, I know that I am being judged by people who know what happened. Some people may wonder why have I changed or why I don't seem as upbeat anymore. I have been approached in more than one occasion with a barrage of questions or with dubious looks. How do you proceed to explain, really? Is it my responsibility to teach everyone I come in contact with about infertility or loss? No. It would be exhausting. Is it my purpose in life to talk my head off, bitching to others about the shit fest that we've been trough. Nope... that's why I have this blog : )

I have watched myself apologize for stupid things, in order to make myself look better... in order to not appear too sad... not so torn. The other day I caught myself talking on the phone with my mother in law in an overly chirpy tone (mind you, I have never in my life been described as chirpy). "She must not detect sadness or pain in my voice, so she doesn't start to speculate or worry"- I told myself mid talk. Ugh! Who am I fooling with this behavior? Only myself, obviously. I know better than to live my life trying to please others, but it is so difficult to not go in that direction. We are social beings, we want to be accepted, so we pretend many times, in order to fit in.

I was perusing a forum recently, where someone said that infertility was the hardest thing she had ever had to go through. That it had changed her to her core. It really struck a cord with me, because I felt just as she did. I wanted to reach over the computer and hug her, because I identified so much with her words. This experience really changes you. It has changed me for sure. It's not that I'm a ball of sadness 24/7 or that the only thing prevalent in my life is my infertility... or the fact that I've lost two pregnancies. But lets be real, when you go trough this kind of stuff, you are changed forever.

I am OK with not being the same person anymore. Experiences mold you. Granted, they don't define you, but they have the ability to reshape your character... to redirect goals... to change perspectives. There is no magic pill to erase what you've lived trough. It's better to embrace it. For better or for worse.

So I... just as I am, will have to be enough. And that's that.

Operation Little Blue Romper

My brother's in law girlfriend is four years younger than me. She has two beautiful kids, which are a year and a half apart. He got her pregnant after going out only for a year, pretty sure by accident. Not that I was keeping tabs or anything. Whatever. She has had both her sons in the same time frame in which I have been actively trying to get pregnant. Lovely, really. So many fun times, I couldn't even begin to tell you! (OK, I could, but then I wouldn't be able to stop).

Anyway, I don't know why I remembered this today. Maybe because it is such a small but yet such a powerful memory for me. The story goes as follows... A and I were visiting his brother one day when said girlfriend was pregnant with their first son. Suddenly, she came out excitedly to show me something. It was a little blue romper. Cute, I thought. The horror came afterwards when she told me whose romper that was. As it turns out, my mother in law was giving away A's baby clothes to her? Fuck my life! Not to appear selfish, but yeah, it is what it is. When you are in that mental place, shit like this can throw you into a hissy fit. I wanted to say and do so many things, but I just nodded and smiled... just like I've done a million times after that.

First of all (as seen in my ragey infertile mind) wasn't my mother in law supposed to be giving away the other son's baby clothes? You know, the clothes from the one who knocked her up?! But no, she decided to give her A's clothes. This was a kick to my guts. A kick to my self esteem. As if she knew not to hold on to those clothes, because I wasn't going to get pregnant anytime soon. Well, she was right after all. It has been three years, and well... you know the rest. 

That little blue romper has haunted me ever since. So that's why today, I've decided to steal it back from her, if I ever get pregnant again someday (even if it is a girl, I will put her in that damn blue romper) because, yes. And if I don't get pregnant, I am going to still get it back and dress my doggie in it!

Sunny Sundays

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Hope you enjoy this little bit of sunshine!

The pursuit of happiness

What is happiness?

It's so relative right? There isn't a "one fits all approach" to being happy. That's the beauty of it. Happiness can be as simple as enjoying a rich cup of coffee in the morning... or like watching the bright orange sunset. Other times, happiness may be a little bit more complicated than that. Achieving happiness may require strength.... it may require going trough countless struggles... it may even require for you to be fearless.

Why is sometimes so difficult for us to choose the path to find our own happiness?  Don't we all deserve that? Of course. But not everyone is prepared to recognize the need to search for that path. It may be because of social pressures or because we've been stuck for so long inside a specific mold, that breaking away from it causes us doubt.

Life is way too short for doubts. If we were to live our lives just to please others, it would really be pointless. We are only in this physical world for a finite amount of time, so it's only fair to fight for what truly makes us happy. For some people it may be money or material things. I don't gravitate so much towards that end. Yes, money is important... but what about the intangible side of things? That happiness that no amount of money could buy. A happiness that comes truly and only from within. One that is not placed on material objects but on experiences.... a happiness so pure that it can't be taken away from you... a happiness so deep you can express without hesitation. A happiness so true to yourself, that you have no doubt in chasing after...

That's the happiness I strive for and hope to achieve one day... one day...

What dream$ are made of...

If you have undergone any kind of fertility treatments you should know by now the financial aspect that comes with it. The truth is that unfortunately most insurance companies don't cover these procedures, so people who are battling infertility are left paying out of pocket for almost everything.

When we first started treatments, our doctor wanted to see how I responded to the least invasive procedures first. Least invasive meant cheaper, so we were fine with that. These "least invasive" treatments didn't yield the expected results, so we moved on to injectables and IUI's. The prices rapidly started going up.

It's odd when you start this roller coaster. It's like you can't stop. Once you are in it, you are in for good. You keep telling yourself  "one more time", with the hopes of it working out, while your bank account and patience deflates.

Last year we spent close to $10,000 in medical procedures, pills, shots, sonograms, tests.... you name it. To us this was a lot financially speaking. We had the support of our family, but it was still hard. Some lovely nurse helped too, donating left over medicine from other patients. But seeing all that money disappearing so fast, often left me out of breath. It's in those moments when you realize how much you really want to be a parent... how much this means to you and how far you are willing to go. 

In our fertility clinic, the area where you pay is flanked by countless baby pictures, smiling couples holding their bundles of joy and letters of gratitude from the happy parents. So, while you are swiping your card, a cute little baby photo is staring directly at you, as if giving you one last hope. It cheers you on. "Your baby's photo can be in here too" it says, so you do it, without hesitation, hoping to be adding your obnoxiously smiling photo to the list. It’s all about "the dream", right?

Right now we are on a break, mostly because of financial reasons. And that drives me mad. If I had the money you bet I would be cycling yesterday. But we are faced with more tests and more procedures, just to find out if I have something else going on. The doctors highly suspect I have endometriosis, but the diagnosis can only be made trough hystero laparoscopy, which costs close to $4,000. There's also a long list of blood tests which are pretty pricey. I can't go through another IUI or IVF (which at this point is what we are leaning towards) until I have these tests performed. So more waiting and more saving for us.

 

When you stare at the facts, it's all about money. Your dreams of becoming a parent, dangle by the thread of cold hard cash. 

Is it fair? no. I believe that fertility procedures should be covered by insurance companies. As simple as that. I know that our health system is pretty fucked up. It's not at all about the health and happiness of the people but about greed and money. It's simply a business and we get caught in the middle. We are way behind... way behind.

In theory, healthy people make happy people, and happy people make a healthy and productive society. But when said people are going into debt, just to cover medical expenses, it's utterly ridiculous.

In terms of fertility treatments, some believe that if you can't afford to pay for the procedures, then you simply shouldn't have a baby. Or that fertility problems are not medical problems, therefore no insurance coverage for you. Oh, really? How considerate of you fertile asshole, thanks! You see, most fertility problems are caused by underlying medical conditions or disorders. So, how can you tell me it is not related? How can you separate two things that are so intricately connected?

I bet that most of those who've had kids without fertility treatments, would be shocked if someone said to them that in order to keep their child they should come up with $10,000 on the spot. Most wouldn't have that kind of money tucked away to spend on a seconds notice. And that it's not a reflection on their right to be parents.

It's not as simple as being able to be financially responsible for a baby. It's about the kind of money you have to spend just to be able to play the game. If we were to conceive naturally right now (yeah right!) we wouldn't have much problem taking care of the baby, because it's a gradual thing. We would be able to adjust and save. Sigh! 

The truth is we don't care, though. That's why we started this in the first place, right? If it's gives us the opportunity of having a baby, all will be put aside. I believe most people facing this journey feel the same. We would still spend all the money they tell us too, we would go into debt, apply for loans, whatever it took, because it is our dream. We won't give up.

Some dreams have a price tag, but for us achieving this dream is priceless. I may bitch and rant about it, but when the moment of truth comes again, you bet I will be there swiping that card like there's no tomorrow. I will swipe that card until it's on fire. I will stare at that wall full of smiley pictures and show them how it's done. Our picture will be up there damn it.