Just breathe

source

Just a little reminder to myself...

Stop

Breathe

Take it all in... 

It's going to be OK

Your own advocate

I have never been shy. Lets just get that out of the away. I've always been outspoken and proactive in my day to day life. If I saw something I didn't like you bet I was going to be the first one to do or say something about it. Then I was diagnosed with infertility and that changed. My usual firecracker personality was overshadowed by a blanket of doubt and uncertainty. 

I was intimidated by the process. It all seemed so complicated, too complex, too exhausting. The first couple of months I went to the appointments, listened to what the doctors had to say, nodded and went on my way with a little bag full of goodies (read progesterone suppositories and shots) and a lot of questions still unanswered. I guess there are different types of doctors, the ones that like to communicate and those who don't. I was stuck with the second one. I knew what my diagnosis was, but aside from that I wasn't very outspoken in the process. I felt I wasn't supposed to question or contradict a doctor. I assumed we were in good hands and I left it at that.

As time went on I realized this wasn't a good approach at all. After my first miscarriage that old firecracker spark started coming back. I wanted to know why, the more I knew the better. I know that sometimes consulting Dr. Google can be a little bit tricky but where else could I go? I needed to feel that I was doing something, that I was being an active part of the process, not just a quiet patient. The doctor didn't seemed concerned at first. I guess they see so many cases on a day to day basis, that for them is a normal thing. But for the person that's going trough it, it's heart wrenching and life changing. Then the second miscarriage happened and I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't going  down like that. If we were to continue treatments I was going to do it differently. I became an advocate for myself.

After taking some time away I came back full force. I demanded to have the Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy. And guess what? They found endometriosis. I demanded to have the Repeated Loss Panel and guess what? It turns out I came back positive for Lupus Anticoagulant, which can certainly cause miscarriages and complications in pregnancy.

Aha! After all the back and forth we had some answers... answers we wouldn't have if I didn't push for the tests.

Now I feel more confident in challenging doctors opinions, because many times they can be too laissez faire. I can't sit idle anymore while my life passes me by. I am in charge. We are in charge. After all we are the ones paying crazy amounts of money, we are the ones being poked and prodded, we are the ones with our dreams and hopes on the line.

So be your own advocate. There is nothing to loose!

Did you know...

                                                                              source

that I've cried myself to sleep more times than I can count?

that I've had my heart broken month after month for the past three years?

that I try to smile trough tears, because it's all I can do sometimes?

that I am infertile?

And all I need is some encouragement and possibly a hug. I don't need empty words or wishes... All I need is your support and understanding...

That's all!

If you want to know more about infertility and how you can support a loved one who is going trough this horrible experience please visit Resolve.

Talk to them honestly and listen to them. It will mean more that you could ever imagine...

National Infertility Awareness Week

So, as many of you may now, this week we celebrate the National Infertility Awareness Week. The slogan for this year is Join the Movement.

But what does this mean?

Joining a movement can mean so many things. It can mean being a part of the dialogue, being an advocate for yourself and spreading the word. Not so long ago the last thing I wanted to talk about was infertility. I knew it was there but I didn't want to acknowledge it. As time went on I realized that I wasn't alone in my journey. I was unknowingly a part of an amazing community. A community of strong willed women and men all around the world. A community of fighters who are leaving no stone unturned in their efforts to build their families. That's when I decided to start writing this blog. I needed to vent and share my story in a place without judgment. By far it has been one of the best decisions I have made in the last year. It has opened up a creative outlet for my emotions and it has also made me realize that there are people out there who understand exactly what I am going through.

So, as far as this year goes I feel like I have "joined the movement". I have made an effort to be more open about our struggles and share our story, both online and in real life. But then a little voice whispers and asks: Are you doing enough? Am I exploiting my full potential as an infertility awareness advocate? Am I educating and reaching enough people? The answer is probably not. Because there are some days in which I am so sick and tired of everything that my first instinct is to throw in the towel. To shut down and wallow in my sadness. There are some days in which I can't bear to spread not even an insightful comment or a quick remark. There are some days in which all I care about is surviving that moment. Then the next day the spark is back and I go in full force. And that's OK. There is no one keeping tabs. We deal as best we can with what life has thrown at us. I have learned that just by living our lives day after day we are amazing. Just by enduring what we have to go through we are an example of strength and willpower. Our resilience is what keeps us going against all odds and that is an incredible movement in itself.

Surrender

When I used to think about the word surrender I always associated it with defeat. After all, most people will say that when you surrender you are giving up, you aren't fighting anymore.

I disagree. Surrender for me has meant accepting... letting go, not holding onto false expectations. When I started this journey every step was full of exciting unknowns. Every trip to the doctor was an adventure, a baby making adventure. After all, I thought to myself, my problems weren't too bad... it was going to be a walk in the park. The novelty of the treatments quickly went away. That excitement had turned into crippling fear and depression. Then I started questioning myself, I questioned my ability to become pregnant and carry a baby to term. It seemed almost impossible.  I faced my reality... I was indeed infertile. At first I saw myself as a passerby trough the world of infertility. I had told myself on countless occasions that what we were going trough  was just a rough patch... that I just had some trouble getting pregnant, that's all. I was afraid of facing my infertility head on. I was in denial and as a result there was only pain and disappointment.

Every month that passed by was another month of defeat. I developed severe anxiety in the middle of my IUI cycles. I kept spiraling down... lower and lower. But I just kept pushing myself month after month. Against my own better judgement, I went ahead. I kept pushing myself even when my heart wasn't truly in it. Specially after my first miscarriage, all I wanted to do was stop for a while. But how could I?... I had to keep going. I just wanted it to be over, get pregnant and leave all of this behind. Even though emotionally I felt I couldn't face another cycle, I did it anyway. I ended up being a shadow of what I once was. My body became exhausted, my mind was floating away in a daze.What I had failed to learn was that you just can't push or rush things.  Life doesn't work that way, specially infertility.

I pitied myself and our situation. I was embarrassed of the fact that it was my body that kept failing... my body was the one keeping us from having a baby. My internal turmoil was on it's peak. Something had to give. I couldn't keep doing this to myself... to us. So A and I sat down and had a heart to heart. There was little doubt that the best option for us at this point was IVF. I have to say, IVF terrified me. I swore myself that we wouldn't get to this point. That's why I pushed myself so hard in the IUI cycles. I wanted to prevent IVF at all costs, as if such things could be controlled. So there we were. And it's at that moment that everything fell into place. I realized that yes, this is me... this is my life and these are the cards we were dealt with. There was no point in fighting this anymore. I surrendered. I surrendered to my circumstances and strangely enough I had never felt more at peace during this journey. Everything made sense. This is were we are supposed to be. This is what we are meant to be doing. Even if it doesn't work, which we know it's a possibility, we are following our hearts.

Having said that, it doesn't mean that my fears and anxieties are gone. I think that's almost impossible. I still have doubts. Our journey is still full of unknowns. I still break down from time to time. Just yesterday I had a big meltdown about some blood tests that came up on the high end, which means that I probably have lupus antibodies. I kept saying to myself  "not again" "there can't be anything else wrong with my body". My heart ached for a while. But if that is the case, if more tests keep coming up positive, then I am grateful that they have caught it at this point and are able to give me the adequate treatment for it.

This morning I woke up and looked myself in the mirror and was able to smile, so that was a good thing. In the middle of this madness, I have the ability to feel hope again. Something that I had lost a while ago.

 I am no longer fighting against the tide. I am swimming in it.

Getting there

This week has been an emotional one for me. OK, lets be real... lately all weeks are emotional ones around these parts. It started by me having a meltdown at a couple of pharmacies, after I went looking at Lupron prices for my endo treatment.  Turns out that a monthly Lupron dose costs $900-$1,000 and it's not covered by my insurance. Add to that the bitchy pharmacist who told me laughing  "Oh, you are going to have a heart attack when I tell you the price" and "You are going to be broke by the end of this" to set the mood for a complete loss in rational capacity. I wanted to yell at her "really! thanks for reminding me that this process is leaving us broker by the minute... have a nice fucking day". But no, thankfully I restrained myself and took it like the composed and calm woman that I am. Right.... So needles to say I spent Monday and Tuesday moping around, lamenting our financial situation and feeling sorry for ourselves in general.

By Wednesday things seemed to pick up. I had an appointment with my RE, which I love, love, love! He's so positive and upbeat that it's impossible to not be excited as well. I brought a list of questions and he seemed surprised that I knew my stuff.  He told me that the extended Lupron treatment wasn't necessary in my case and that we could proceed with our plans. I was so relieved that we didn't have to spend ridiculous amounts of money on six months of Lupron... because we are saving those ridiculous amounts of money to start IVF. Finally we have a clear plan ahead! We are looking to start in May- June and I couldn't be more excited and nervous at the same time. I still have to do a couple of tests, mainly immunological tests due to past miscarriages and also he wanted me to have the E-tegrity test done. Thankfully I had an uterine biopsy done last September, so they still had that sample in their pathology office. All they had to do was send that sample to the lab. The test ended up costing about $600, so yeah... small change compared to everything else. If I end up testing positive for the test, he says that it's a fixable thing... nothing to worry about. He wants to eliminate all possible doubts before starting the IVF and I am happy about that. Although IVF is not 100% guaranteed I am more at ease by knowing that we are searching for things that in the end can hinder a positive result.

So that's what has been going on around these parts. We are slowly but surely getting there...

Open letter to infertility

We have known each other for a couple of years now. Those have been some long years in fact. Throughout our relationship we've had our ups and downs. More downs than ups, really. At first I took your presence as a joke. Something to not worry too much about. As time passed by you had the ability to etch your mark deep inside my soul. Your roots have settled deep. 

You are a thief and a liar. You have taken away bits of my hope... my faith now dangles by a thread and my sanity... barely there. You have whispered false hopes, curling up beside me reassuring me that everything is going to be OK. Nonsense! It was all a ruse to make me more comfortable, more at ease with you. You have taken away my ability to be truly happy. You have robbed us of our hard earned savings. The little money that we make is for you. You greedy monster! You have wrecked havoc inside my body and mind. You are such a bitch and you know it. There's nothing good or redeemable about you. 

There are days were your presence is just a mere afterthought. Those days are few and far in between, though. On most days your presence resonates strong and loud in all the corners of my home. Those corners which should be filled with laughter and giggles are blanketed with sadness. 

There were times in which I thought you were finally coming around. You showed me in brief flashes what it would be like to be at the other side, without you sucking all of my time and strength away. There were times in which I believed that I was free of your conniving ways, but no... you were always there. Lurking and ready to pounce. Always have been. At the slightest glimpse of a smile you showed your face again. You can't see me happy, do you? You can't stand the thought of me getting away from you for good?

Well, I've got news for you dear friend. You have also given me something invaluable. You have given me strength and determination. I am going to fight you back. And I'm going to win. So prepare yourself because you have created another monster. I will not back off. I will be your worst nightmare. So enjoy your stay while you can, because those days of torturing and tormenting me are numbered. They are over!