How many times have I felt like an outsider? It's a feeling I can't help, really. It comes unannounced at the most unexpected moments. Walking trough the aisles of a store... going to the post office... driving down the street. These are the kind of moments that leave you breathless and not in a good way. Seeing a mother snuggling their brand new baby... seeing families playing at the park... seeing my mother in law talking so lovingly about her grandchildren... sometimes it is enough to break my heart a little (OK, a lot).
You may think you are prepared to face those moments as an infertile. After all, we are a pretty tough bunch. But no matter how strong you may think you are, it's undeniable- those moments are a bitch. They make you feel like you don't fit in. Like you don't belong with the rest of the world. It makes it hard to relate to the "normalcy" of other peoples lives... to the effortlessness... the easiness. After all, you've been so used to the endless fighting... the constant battling... the uncertainty of it all.
Looking in, it may feel so very strange what you see. It may look so unattainable.
Lately I've been feeling like I have been fighting for so long... I feel tired. I often look at the road ahead and shudder. Because I know that this journey it's not over.
I desperately want to be the one inside looking out. I want to leave all of this behind. Wouldn't it be so wonderful- to stop worrying and wondering? To stop imagining how it would look like and actually start living it?
There have been so many times were I wished I was the norm, I wished there wasn't something "special" about me. Fuck special and fuck being a statistic (I've never liked numbers anyway). I want to be sitting comfortably... inside. Please... pretty please!
Universe take note!
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