Mental health and Infertility

I've talked a little bit about my experiences with anxiety here. I think I can blame it on my occasional type A personality and my everlasting curiosity to always be in the know. I want to know what's going to happen, I want to know about the future, I want to hold the answers to all the questions in my life. Unfortunately we all know how well that turns out. It is impossible to be on top of everything. With time (and some help from meds) I was able to let go little by little of my anxiety and everything seemed OK again. I was living my life as carefree as I could.

Enter infertility (imagine ominous music, horror movie style). With every passing month of me not being pregnant, red flags started to pop up everywhere. I tried to put it in the back of my mind but it was obvious that there were deeper problems that we had to address. We were going to have to put heart and soul (and our savings) into our baby making dreams. At first it was exciting, we were doing something, we were being proactive. When months kept passing by, one after another, without the much awaited results, my old friend anxiety was waiting in the shadows to come back. It started creeping slowly until it made a full blown appearance after my first miscarriage. Since then I've been struggling with it on and off. Sometimes I am completely fine. I can go weeks and even months without a hint of anxiety, but then... BOOM there it is. It is a never ending thing. I've come to accept it and deal with it, because what else can I do. I don't think I will ever get rid completely of it.

I've have often asked myself if it is possible to go trough this infertility/loss journey without loosing your mind, even just a little bit.

Since infertility is a topic that is hush hush in our society and even taboo in some cultures or circles, imagine adding to that a mental health component. They are both personal and intimate topics, so talking about it openly is difficult... for some even impossible. I am guilty of keeping it silent. I haven't shared my struggles with many people in real life, only close family and a couple of friends know. Even then, they don't know the full extent of my emotional struggles. I don't expect them to understand completely either. This is one of those things that, unless you've been there you can't really comprehend. How it toys with your mind, the emotional and physical impact that it has. The insecurity and loss of control that comes with it, amongst many other things.

By opening up I've been offered support and words of wisdom, but I've also received rude comments or simple minded solutions to my problems like the well known "relax" or the "if you adopt you will be able to get pregnant, it's just stress". I know it comes with the territory, you gotta have patience and be able to take deep breaths to keep the urge to smack people over their heads under control. Insensitive comments and the inability to connect with other women left me unsure of myself. I was scared of sharing too much and them thinking that I was going crazy... I was ashamed. 

It wasn't until I started reading other infertility blogs and learning about other peoples stories that I felt right at home. The more I read the more I felt like I wasn't alone. There were thousands of women going through the exact same thing at the exact same time as me and that was comforting to know.  That has helped a lot to keep my anxiety in check, to think positive and be more open with my feelings. I'm very grateful for it.

Knowing that there is so much support out there in this community has left me with a yearning in my heart. I want to be able to support others in their journeys as well. Where I live there are no support groups for infertility or miscarriages. The only option is going to a Psychologist or a Psychiatrist, which are great and necessary resources many times. They have helped me on countless occasions. Although having professional help is amazing, there is nothing compared to having someone who is walking through the same road as you, who can relate to the loss of control, to the ups and downs and everything in between. Whom have felt deep inside their souls the same type of heartbreak or joy. How many women are silenced by their fears or their shame? Where are all those women going for support? Are they even getting support? Are we passing each other by on the streets wrapped up in our own struggles? 

Since online support has been a big help for me, I've been playing with the idea of starting a local infertility support group. I don't know if people are even going to come, but I have to at least try. I don't have all the answers to all the questions, I don't have a magic solution, I only have my experiences and my desire to connect and be able to help each other... so I hope that is enough to guide me along this path.

*If someone has had experience with infertility support groups (good or bad) and want to share it, you are more than welcomed to do so in the comments.