Those three little letters... so innocent on their own, right? When put together they are able to carry so many emotions. There is so much uncertainty when you deal with infertility. I only want to see the hope in those three little letters. Hope and strength... and ultimately, happiness. I really, really hope that it will all work out in the end. I hope that there is a happily ever after for us (even if I don't believe in fairy tales).
But I worry a lot also (shocker, I know... me worry and be all up inside my head? never!) I try to put all of the worries away with no such luck. The surgery last week broke down the wall I had so carefully built in the past few months. All the anxiety and doubts of cycling came crashing down on me about three days ago. I was doing well, I really was. But then something snapped inside me and all emotional hell broke loose. The lack of control, the unknown, it's enough to drive me crazy. It all started because I began to worry about the post op report. What did they find? Is it bad? Was there a lot of endo there? and so on. These questions will be answered next week but in the meantime it's worry central in here. Worrying has a domino effect for me. I start worrying about one little thing and a couple of hours latter I am in a full blown anxiety attack.
My biggest worry is the outcome of the IVF. I don't think I can face another disappointment. Of course I'm jumping way ahead here, but these are valid worries that I believe most people facing IVF have. There is no stress free way to navigate through this (if someone has found a way please tell me!). And then there's the money worries as well. There are loans and savings put into this. My parents are also helping us with a big portion of the money as well. That has been hard, letting them help us. They don't have any grandchildren and I know they would give anything to have one. Many times my dad has tried to reassure us. He keeps telling us that they are doing this out of love. I am so grateful but at the same time I feel guilty that it has come to this.
In the meantime I hope that I can keep my anxiety in check and not drive A crazy in the process. I'll try to focus on all the good things that are happening around us on hold on to dear life for the journey ahead.
Isabel. I felt all of these things when I started my IVF in December and know I will again when I start attempt #2 in May. Wish I had the secret answer to all of this craziness...all I can say is hang in there. Try to do whatever it is that keeps your calm and happy. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jessah. I know it's almost impossible to be calm when it's all so out of our control. I hope everything goes well for you. Good luck on your next IVF cycle!
ReplyDeleteWhen I tried IVF, I was full of hope. Suddenly I had someone else - an expert no less - who was going to help us, take on some of the burden of trying to conceive, take on some of the decisions too. I found it a little relief to be honest, and dare I say it almost enjoyed those first weeks of injections (doing it myself made me feel empowered) because I felt as if I was actually DOING something rather than just sitting waiting. I don't know if you can do that. But I hope you experience a little bit of it, helping you share and ease the burden and stress.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your perspective Mali. It gave me a much needed boost of confidence for the IVF. I know we are in good hands, I trust the process, I believe deep inside that this is going to work... but the sneaky fear of the unknown takes over sometimes. I guess in these kind of situations you just have to let go and do a leap of faith.
ReplyDeleteTake care!