On grieving

When does grief starts to fade? Does it ever?

How on earth do you describe grief to someone else? Feelings are almost impossible to describe. How could I express in words the pain...sadness...emptiness? Hmmm, maybe I should explain it like this: It's like someone ripped your heart out and danced over it. Is that a clear enough explanation? Ugh!

My miscarriages are still such a sensitive topic. Sometimes it is addressed by others in a not so subtle way and it can be very shocking. I get mad sometimes because I consider myself to be a pretty strong woman, but when it comes to this stuff I am a complete blubbering, irrational mess.

Grief doesn't have an expiration date. It's not like someone can say to you "get over it", "it's been x amount of time, so your grieving process is over"... "keep on moving". Is this how people see grief? Like something that you HAVE to get over fast? Say it isn't so!

Sometimes, family and close friends who know about A and I's journey, want to be supportive. I know that they want for me to act and be normal again. I don't want to question myself because someone is telling me to get over this. Do you know how many times have I felt shame? Felt wrong about feeling sad, or appearing sad, or ruining someone's party because I don't feel like being Mrs. Sunshine. It's not worth it really. Deep inside I know that it's not wrong. My feelings are as valid as everyone else. 

Grieving is such an individual process. It may take me twice or half the amount of time that it took somebody else to get over the exact same thing, and that's OK.

It would be wonderful if I woke up one day with no memory of what has happened, but alas, such technology doesn't exist yet. And I am not sure that I would want to forget it at all. Yes, there is pain, there is sadness, but it has somehow made me an even stronger person. I appreciate the little, almost imperceptible things even more. Every step is an opportunity and I don't take anything for granted anymore. It's a really sucky way to learn stuff, but this is how life is...

When you go trough a loss so personal and intimate as a miscarriage, few people can really understand. It's very difficult for others to relate to the pain and sadness that a miscarriage can bring, maybe because it is such an intangible loss for them. People can understand better the grieving process when it's a father, a mother or a grown child that passes away, which are horrible and unimaginable losses on their own. But often the impact that miscarriages can have in a woman's mental health is overlooked.

When someone tells me not to worry about it, that I am young and have plenty of time to get pregnant again it's like being punched in the stomach. I know that, but they don't acknowledge that it was a loss for us. Never mind the fact that it has taken us almost three years to even achieve a freaking positive pregnancy test. It's like they are so uncomfortable with the topic, that they just want to brush it off as it never happened.

I have somewhat come to terms with the fact that you can't expect everyone to feel your pain, or to be considered towards your specific situation. There will be ignorant remarks, there will be stupid comments and advice, because somehow people believe that they have that right. But only you can decide what's better, what's normal, what's appropriate.  Some of the things people say may come from a place of caring and worry... but really please- don't tell me how I should process my loss.

We deserve to know that our feelings are valid. We must never feel that our process is shameful or strange or that it's taking too long. We must take the time and necessary steps to heal. Surely it won't be easy, but it's definitely possible. That's what I tell myself anyway. I know that I owe no one an explanation or apology regarding my experience. And I am fine with that on most days.

Maybe I will never feel "normal" again, but really... normal is way overrated...