Life in the last three months...

I stopped writing on this blog at about the same time I was due to start my first IVF cycle. Not because I didn't like the space that I had created but because constantly writing about my sadness, hopelessness and the hurt that I was going trough at that time was too much. Being in constant awareness of my situation was painful, so I closed the blog. I still read infertility blogs everyday, nodding my head in agreement, letting tears fall down and smiling when I saw a new success story.

Grasping at our last hopes we embarked on our firts IVF cycle in June. It was intense, it was emotional and nerve racking all at the same time. To our surprise they ended up retrieving 14 eggs of which 11 fertilized. It was more that we could have hoped for. They put back two 5 day blasts and then we were to wait two weeks. The hard stuff was out off the way... or so we thought. The next month was nothing but easy. I ended up having a severe case of OHSS that landed me on the ICU for almost two weeks. I was unaware of the symptoms so I chalked it up to the flu or some other stomach bug. After two days of constantly trowing up and not being able to breathe very well I was on my way to the hospital. I gained almost 30 pounds in a matter of days, my lungs and abdomen filled with liquid that had to be drained so I could breathe or eat. I could barely speak or move. It was so scary! Since I live almost three hours from my RE the local doctors dealt with my situation the best they could, which made me even more nervous. I was afraid for my life. The quest of growing our family had thrown us into the unimaginable. That's when I really saw and felt just how far we were willing to go to be able to achieve a dream that for so many comes so easily.

About a week of being in the hospital I received the best news ever. My beta was positive, so that's why my OHSS was so severe. In the middle of all that craziness I had a glimmer of hope. I slowly got better and was released after 12 days in the hospital. And our journey was just beginning. I was so swollen from the liquid I could barely walk but I made it to my RE's office were they did an ultrasound that revealed that SURPRISE! we were having twins. I was shocked, elated, shocked some more, happy and scared. I knew that twins were a strong possibility but it happening to us was so far away from our minds that I was speechless.

The next weeks were a mix of happiness and anxiety. After all we had gone trough, could this be real? Was this it? What we were waiting so desperately for? It all indicated that yes, this was the real thing. The babies continued to grow healthy and strong and we couldn't be happier. I am 13 weeks and 4 days today. I know we have a long way to go, but everyday with this life inside me is a miracle and a blessing that I will never take for granted.

So here we are, gearing for an exciting year, still walking the walk cautiously optimistic that everything will be alright.

Surrender

When I used to think about the word surrender I always associated it with defeat. After all, most people will say that when you surrender you are giving up, you aren't fighting anymore.

I disagree. Surrender for me has meant accepting... letting go, not holding onto false expectations. When I started this journey every step was full of exciting unknowns. Every trip to the doctor was an adventure, a baby making adventure. After all, I thought to myself, my problems weren't too bad... it was going to be a walk in the park. The novelty of the treatments quickly went away. That excitement had turned into crippling fear and depression. Then I started questioning myself, I questioned my ability to become pregnant and carry a baby to term. It seemed almost impossible.  I faced my reality... I was indeed infertile. At first I saw myself as a passerby trough the world of infertility. I had told myself on countless occasions that what we were going trough  was just a rough patch... that I just had some trouble getting pregnant, that's all. I was afraid of facing my infertility head on. I was in denial and as a result there was only pain and disappointment.

Every month that passed by was another month of defeat. I developed severe anxiety in the middle of my IUI cycles. I kept spiraling down... lower and lower. But I just kept pushing myself month after month. Against my own better judgement, I went ahead. I kept pushing myself even when my heart wasn't truly in it. Specially after my first miscarriage, all I wanted to do was stop for a while. But how could I?... I had to keep going. I just wanted it to be over, get pregnant and leave all of this behind. Even though emotionally I felt I couldn't face another cycle, I did it anyway. I ended up being a shadow of what I once was. My body became exhausted, my mind was floating away in a daze.What I had failed to learn was that you just can't push or rush things.  Life doesn't work that way, specially infertility.

I pitied myself and our situation. I was embarrassed of the fact that it was my body that kept failing... my body was the one keeping us from having a baby. My internal turmoil was on it's peak. Something had to give. I couldn't keep doing this to myself... to us. So A and I sat down and had a heart to heart. There was little doubt that the best option for us at this point was IVF. I have to say, IVF terrified me. I swore myself that we wouldn't get to this point. That's why I pushed myself so hard in the IUI cycles. I wanted to prevent IVF at all costs, as if such things could be controlled. So there we were. And it's at that moment that everything fell into place. I realized that yes, this is me... this is my life and these are the cards we were dealt with. There was no point in fighting this anymore. I surrendered. I surrendered to my circumstances and strangely enough I had never felt more at peace during this journey. Everything made sense. This is were we are supposed to be. This is what we are meant to be doing. Even if it doesn't work, which we know it's a possibility, we are following our hearts.

Having said that, it doesn't mean that my fears and anxieties are gone. I think that's almost impossible. I still have doubts. Our journey is still full of unknowns. I still break down from time to time. Just yesterday I had a big meltdown about some blood tests that came up on the high end, which means that I probably have lupus antibodies. I kept saying to myself  "not again" "there can't be anything else wrong with my body". My heart ached for a while. But if that is the case, if more tests keep coming up positive, then I am grateful that they have caught it at this point and are able to give me the adequate treatment for it.

This morning I woke up and looked myself in the mirror and was able to smile, so that was a good thing. In the middle of this madness, I have the ability to feel hope again. Something that I had lost a while ago.

 I am no longer fighting against the tide. I am swimming in it.

Getting there

This week has been an emotional one for me. OK, lets be real... lately all weeks are emotional ones around these parts. It started by me having a meltdown at a couple of pharmacies, after I went looking at Lupron prices for my endo treatment.  Turns out that a monthly Lupron dose costs $900-$1,000 and it's not covered by my insurance. Add to that the bitchy pharmacist who told me laughing  "Oh, you are going to have a heart attack when I tell you the price" and "You are going to be broke by the end of this" to set the mood for a complete loss in rational capacity. I wanted to yell at her "really! thanks for reminding me that this process is leaving us broker by the minute... have a nice fucking day". But no, thankfully I restrained myself and took it like the composed and calm woman that I am. Right.... So needles to say I spent Monday and Tuesday moping around, lamenting our financial situation and feeling sorry for ourselves in general.

By Wednesday things seemed to pick up. I had an appointment with my RE, which I love, love, love! He's so positive and upbeat that it's impossible to not be excited as well. I brought a list of questions and he seemed surprised that I knew my stuff.  He told me that the extended Lupron treatment wasn't necessary in my case and that we could proceed with our plans. I was so relieved that we didn't have to spend ridiculous amounts of money on six months of Lupron... because we are saving those ridiculous amounts of money to start IVF. Finally we have a clear plan ahead! We are looking to start in May- June and I couldn't be more excited and nervous at the same time. I still have to do a couple of tests, mainly immunological tests due to past miscarriages and also he wanted me to have the E-tegrity test done. Thankfully I had an uterine biopsy done last September, so they still had that sample in their pathology office. All they had to do was send that sample to the lab. The test ended up costing about $600, so yeah... small change compared to everything else. If I end up testing positive for the test, he says that it's a fixable thing... nothing to worry about. He wants to eliminate all possible doubts before starting the IVF and I am happy about that. Although IVF is not 100% guaranteed I am more at ease by knowing that we are searching for things that in the end can hinder a positive result.

So that's what has been going on around these parts. We are slowly but surely getting there...

Aha!

Today I had my post op appointment. I was nervous but so ready to learn what they had found. We chose to have this procedure done with a OB/GYN because it is covered by my insurance. If we were to have the laparoscopy/ hysteroscopy done with our RE it would have cost us about $5,000. Amazing how an infertility diagnosis changes things! 

So, the verdict is in. It turns out that I do have endometriosis (stage II). Big shocker! (not). It was hinted as a possible diagnosis for so long that to have it confirmed, seemed like a big relief. He ended up removing a lot of endo and adhesions in the pelvic region. He told us that there was endo that he couldn't remove because of the location, but the major areas affecting the reproductive organs were taken care of. He also recommended a 4-6 month treatment of Lupron or Danazol (which I've never heard of before). Apparently they both have the same purpose but Danazol has less side effects when compared to Lupron. The only advantage is that you take Lupron once and month as an injection and with Danazol you have to take three daily pills. I am pretty sure that with my attention span I will forget a pill or two. So I am undecided on what treatment to choose. If any of you has any feedback regarding these treatments it will be greatly appreciated.

The only thing that made it rain on my parade was the expected waiting time between treatments and the IVF. I know that six months go by super fast, but I wish I wouldn't have to drag this any longer. I am going to make an appointment ASAP with our RE to get his input in all of this. I really trust him, and ultimately his professional opinion is what matters.

I am proud of myself because I took the news better that I would have thought. I am not going to lie... I cried a little bit. I cried outside the office and I cried in the elevator full of people and I also cried in the parking lot. I got mad because the endometriosis wasn't discovered sooner. I got mad because I started thinking that the miscarriages could have been prevented. That all the pain and sadness of the last year could have been avoided. But in the end there is no use to wallow on the "could have been". I should know since I am an expert wallower.

The only option now is to focus on the future. Yes, the past year has been less than stellar, but we owe it to ourselves to be happy. We owe it to ourselves to take a deep breath, step back and look at how far we've come. Knowing that I have endometriosis has given me confidence to know that, although I may have some problems in the reproductive area, not everything is lost. It has empowered me to keep on fighting and searching for answers. We still have hope and faith, we still have a chance, no matter how slim. No matter how hard we have to try, the wheels are set in motion and there is nothing stopping us.

IVF

Those three little letters... so innocent on their own, right? When put together they are able to carry so many emotions. There is so much uncertainty when you deal with infertility. I only want to see the hope in those three little letters. Hope and strength... and ultimately, happiness. I really, really hope that it will all work out in the end. I hope that there is a happily ever after for us (even if I don't believe in fairy tales).

But I worry a lot also (shocker, I know... me worry and be all up inside my head? never!) I try to put all of the worries away with no such luck. The surgery last week broke down the wall I had so carefully built in the past few months. All the anxiety and doubts of cycling came crashing down on me about three days ago. I was doing well, I really was. But then something snapped inside me and all emotional hell broke loose. The lack of control, the unknown, it's enough to drive me crazy. It all started because I began to worry about the post op report. What did they find? Is it bad? Was there a lot of endo there? and so on. These questions will be answered next week but in the meantime it's worry central in here. Worrying has a domino effect for me. I start worrying about one little thing and a couple of hours latter I am in a full blown anxiety attack.

My biggest worry is the outcome of the IVF. I don't think I can face another disappointment. Of course I'm jumping way ahead here, but these are valid worries that I believe most people facing IVF have. There is no stress free way to navigate through this (if someone has found a way please tell me!). And then there's the money worries as well. There are loans and savings put into this. My parents are also helping us with a big portion of the money as well. That has been hard, letting them help us. They don't have any grandchildren and I know they would give anything to have one. Many times my dad has tried to reassure us. He keeps telling us that they are doing this out of love. I am so grateful but at the same time I feel guilty that it has come to this.

In the meantime I hope that I can keep my anxiety in check and not drive A crazy in the process. I'll try to focus on all the good things that are happening around us on hold on to dear life for the journey ahead.

All in a year

Today it dawned on me that next week will be the one year anniversary of the start of our fertility treatments.  I think I started this journey with this preconceived notion that it was going to happen fast. I was going to get pregnant on the first try and be out of that depressing office full of women with sad faces. After all we were with one of the top specialists in our area. What could go wrong? Yet here we are, one year later... no baby yet. To my dismay I became one of those women on the waiting room with that worried expression I so much feared.

Seeing my body fail time and time again has rendered me a sobbing mess on the floor on more than one occasion. It has been hard, so hard. In one years time we have exhausted all of our funds for IUI's attempts (five in all). We have gone trough two miscarriages and countless nervous breakdowns. We've had our hearts broken. But because we have learned nothing we are planing and saving to do it soon all over again. This time we hope to add IVF to the mix for that unexpected fun twist. Here is to the next chapter. Cheers with a lot of wine. You have to do it while you can, right? Because soon it will be cocktails of Follistim and Lupron on the rocks. Yay!